Untitled by Tyrell Jackson - IPR Creative Writers
    There I am, staring at the ceiling as if it were going to change any minute now. All I could
hear is a pen scratching at a pad like a dog trying to go outside. So many thoughts were in my head. I fidget with my finger and pick at my clothes because I had no place to put my hands. I shoved them in my pocket and took a deep breath, then, out of nowhere I heard, "why do you feel this way?" 
     "Well," I start off with, "I never truly been in love. I was unconditionally loved as a child
but it’s not the same. I grew up inner city in the late 80's, early 90's where gangs and drugs became a big issue in Minneapolis. My mother strung out on cocaine and my father nowhere to be found, I found myself thinking, was I an accident child? But that thought left my mind when I looked at my brother and sister realizing we look too much alike, plus we share both bloodlines. That would be one hell of accident to have happened 3 times. Am I rambling?"
    "No, continue. Just express yourself" she says. 
    "But what is love? My whole child hood, I thought marriage was something that just happens. If you’re together for 15 plus years, you're automatically married. That's how it was in my family. Knowing the definition of marriage now, I realized only one couple in my family tree was truly married, and that was my great aunt and uncle who both past when I was less then 10 years old. And that's a shame". 
     Instantly cutting me off, she said "It's not a shame, its just the way things were, but you have to depict whether you're going to follow what was, or are you going to change the future". Then she goes back to writing. 
     It was quiet for about 30 seconds. I guess that was a good time to gather my thoughts. For some odd reason I was trapped thinking about a bunch of "what if's". I know I don't want to be alone forever but at the same time I hide my fear of getting hurt with masculinity and holding back words, knowing in the back of my mind, I wanted to teach my heart the meaning of love.
    Finally I spoke again. " I would say the mother of my son was my first love but she put me through hell. I think we were just deep in lust but never truly found love. One minute we're in each others hearts, the next minute, we're at each others necks, and as quick as we became a couple was as quick as I moved on".
    Once again, we
had that awkward silence. Then I felt a cold hand on my arm. She leaned over and softly said "your a great guy. You make me happy. I love that we can talk about anything and be ourselves around each other" while being rudely interrupted by a yawn. 
    It was getting late, and we both had to get up early in the morning. She stood up, slowly sat her math book on the table as if her body was warn out and heads to the master bedroom. I just lay there still scrambling with my thoughts. 
     Instantly she stops, as if she forgot something. Then out of nowhere she said, "no matter how we end up in future, right now in the present, I love you." Then she turned off the light and continues her way in to the room.
    I froze. Not knowing what to say, all I could do was smile in the dark. Inside, I was filled
with anxiety. I lay there wanting to reply but couldn't. As I was building up my
courage, 15 minute went by. By that time she was sleep. I called her name and
didn't receive a reply. I wanted to let her know how I felt but I didn't want to
wake her. The only thing that I could do was whisper back, I love you too. 

Leave a Reply.